Emotional abuse. Hidden in plain sight.

It’s not surprising that, as a trauma counsellor, I witness the impact of abuse in my work on a regular basis.

Trauma can arise because of numerous abusive experiences. Physical and substance abuse is devastating, but it is my work with emotional abuse that has led me to conclude as a society, the sheer scale of the problem and the understanding of what we are dealing with is often misinterpreted. This lack of comprehension can lead to a deep-rooted failure to identify, diagnose and subsequently support those who find themselves caught in vicious cycles of abuse.

Failure to identify emotional abuse can, in part, be attributed to the conflicting nature of abusive behaviours.  An abuser might not consistently display negative behaviours towards the abused, they often exhibit a mixture of positive and negative reinforcement creating a vicious cycle of dependency and a biological response which replicates primordial addiction.

It is also not unusual for abusers to display narcissistic personality traits, including the ability to manipulate. I often hear clients talk about how charming their abuser could be – how they showered them with gifts and affection, how thoughtful they appeared at times. Known as love bombing, this act forms part of the cycle of abuse and is paramount in increasing its longevity, generating times when the relationship seems perfect. Humans acknowledge that love bombing can be seductive and enjoyable in its primitive form; few recognise it as a predatory act, carefully disguised as romance, with an alternative motive - to secure affection and create dependability so that abuse can begin to take hold.

As the ambiguous criticism, blame, and secret contempt – narcissistic gaslighting – begin to emerge, the abused has no understanding that this is emotional abuse and is instead left doubting their sanity and questioning their own recall of events. It is hard to describe the confusion felt by so many of my clients as they begin to explore the emergence of subtle aggression.  Any attempt to question challenging behaviour or threaten to leave and the abuser reverts to the love bombing stage, inevitably leading to further doubt as a catalogue of romantic behaviours serves to undermine any previous concerns.

Once trust has been restored, the abuse begins again.

Sadly, this is a painful reality for so many. Such is the cycle of abuse, and the lack of education around its prevalence, it can take years of living in an abusive relationship before the behaviour is queried.

When those questions do arise, clients punish themselves for not leaving sooner. But, without understanding the cycles of abuse and associated behaviours and symptoms, escape can be hard to grasp. Even without fear for their physical safety, or the same biological dependency associated with substance abuse, leaving, and recognising, the abuse can take an age.

Unsurprisingly, existing in this state of conflict causes extreme damage and a surge in cognitive dissonance - the continuous battle with stress stemming from a clash of uncertain beliefs means there is often no ability to regulate emotion, the self is under constant threat, eroded, and the dorsal vagal takes over.

Alongside dissociation, a sense of detachment from the physical body and often the only way to create a manageable environment to shoulder the continuous narrative of abuse, the physical side effects can be devastating.

But even when these side effects appear, there is still little understanding of the cause. I am grateful I have a chance to offer insight when I work with clients privately. But the question I often ask myself is this –

“If we have no understanding of the symptoms and cycles of abuse, how can we begin to identify when we might be part of them?”

This query is perpetuated by the realisation that emotional abuse is not unique to personal or romantic relationships. It can be found in the workplace, in friendships, online and in legal or political associations.

In fact, subtle emotional abuse is evident in many areas of our society, and without the right education and support, the cycle remains intact. In some situations, a lack of support and understanding in the workplace might make it very difficult for a concern to be heard. Saddled with financial dependence and a personal commitment to a career, breaking the cycle of abuse is unlikely to be explored easily. I have had numerous clients labelled as oversensitive by a colleague – evidence of gaslighting in its purest form.

The sad truth is that many people are unable to spot forms of emotional abuse in social circles– accepting coercive treatment as the norm.

What I find particularly unsettling is the narrative surrounding manipulative behaviour from those in positions of power. I have worked with extremely vulnerable clients who have been critically undermined, but who are unaware emotional abuse is evident and unable to reinforce the necessary boundaries to keep it at bay. The consequence for these individuals is a continuous feeling of disempowerment and exposure to further trauma.

In my practice, I work with clients to enable them to regulate their emotions. We build a strong, trustworthy relationship that, over time, allows us to process the psychological impact of the trauma. And, in addition to that, I offer psycho-education, which often means a complete overhaul of the way a client thinks about the nature of the individual relationship.

This overhaul is something I believe we need to introduce into mainstream society. Open discussions about the cycle of abuse are too often confined to the four walls of the therapy room. With greater understanding and awareness, we can instil standards of behaviour and provide those impacted with the courage to speak out. It often provides enormous relief for my clients to acknowledge the emergence of trauma bonds, the realisation that their brains have become addicted to the cycle of abuse, craving dopamine, and the intermittent relief of stress that comes after a break in abuse and a reconciliation. Education and recognition become the catalyst for change.

And I continuously remind myself that abusers are not always aware of the impact of their behaviour either – we all have a right to learn and to change for the better.

It doesn’t make sense for our society to continue to be oblivious to the prevalence and hidden impact of emotional abuse. We know that trauma and the autonomic nervous system are linked; trauma and dysregulation lead to a host of physical symptoms which, inevitably are medically treated. Thus, alongside the debilitating impact on the individual, the cost to society becomes a monetary one and strengthens the argument for education even more so.

 I am proud to be working alongside the Met Police offering key insights and education on the hidden impact of emotional abuse. My hope is to take the message further, empowering all of us to tackle this issue together.