Trauma Bonds -highlighting complex relationships safely

There is a fascinating quote that I have seen many times along my psychotherapeutic journey.

“People go to therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy”.

I think the first time I was exposed to it, it was printed on the side of a mug somewhere. I am not sure where it came from and I certainly cannot take credit for its origination, but it resonates so deeply with me that I often use it to help my clients understand the immense damage caused by being in an abusive relationship.

As I often find in my work, certain topics seem to inundate me in cycles. My practice can quickly become flooded with clients suffering from similar challenges – it is as though the universe holds up a placard, inviting shared experiences through my door that shape learning and deeper understanding.

Currently, I am facing a rise in the number of clients coming to me suffering from the ill effects of a trauma bond. These clients are either still in an abusive relationship, or have managed to break free but are embroiled in the psychological warfare taking place in their delicate brains – a brain so hardwired to exist only alongside uncertainty that it takes many months, sometimes years, to assess the neurological damage and unpick the complexities of a personality shaped by mistrust and fear.

The definition of a trauma bond is “an emotional attachment between an abuser and a victim that is formed as a result of the repeated cycles of abuse, violence, and/or control” (Kovacs 2016, cited in Counselling Directory 2022 ). Trauma bonding usually follows a pattern of 7 stages and bonds are typically developed after a prolonged period of abuse (Erica Laub 2022, cited Choosing Therapy) The abuse can take a variety of forms including emotional, physical, financial or cultural. It is often cyclical in nature, with the abuser displaying kindness and affection for a while before reverting to controlling and abusive patterns of relating. The unpredictability of cycles of abuse alongside periods of positive validation, leaves a trail of confusion – the person experiencing the abuse becomes desperate for the abuser’s validation and may become addicted to the feelings that arise in those moments of positive connection.

It is not uncommon for the person experiencing the abuse to protect their abuser, feeling that they may not be able to live without them or blaming themselves for the situation. The individual often loses any established sense of self when embroiled in these relationships, they become what their abuser expects them to be to avoid further confrontation and elicit those cosseted periods of love, affection or validation (Hope Therapy and Counselling Services, 2022, cited Counselling Directory).

In short, trauma bonds are complex attachments. And it is this complexity coupled with a sharp lack of awareness, that can make these bonds incredibly hard to acknowledge, let alone break.

Dealing with trauma bonds in my practice means not just raising awareness of a trauma bond and its implications, but tackling the myriad consequences that arise from breaking this strong attachment – no matter how gently I approach this with my clients, there is always a profound sense of loss for clients as they begin to grieve for the positive relational aspects associated with their perpetrator. Clients do not stand up and exclaim with intense delight that they are free from the shackles of abuse – no, they break apart, building themselves back carefully with insight, empathy and a strong healing relationship,

Because these bonds are so strong and so damaging, whilst they are intertwined, it is often the breaking of the bond that causes just as much pain as the abuse itself. And, because of this, it makes me wonder:

“How can we do more to educate people about setting healthy boundaries”.

It is not the “norm” to exist in such unhealthy relationships and yet there is a clear dysfunction within our society that means trauma bonding is happening regularly due to consistent exposure to abusive patterns of relating.

Without education, how can we expect our children and grandchildren to understand they have an alternative? They can stop toxic relationships from developing if they are armed with the confidence that comes with awareness and knowledge. Of course, it is essential we are not terrifying young children and adults with tales of power-hungry narcissists intent on destructing their lives to feed their own damaged sense of self – that would not be helpful at all – but we can give people some pointers to help them realise that healthy relationships do not result in feelings of shame, fear and uncertainty. Perfection does not exist, healthy relationships encounter their fair share of ruptures, but it is about being equal. Feeling heard and understood – being able to fully express your thoughts and feelings without risk. Those relationships need to be modelled in childhood and that modelling should begin at home and in school.

Sadly, some providers of care are abusers in themselves. Not perhaps in the physical sense, but in the sense of exerting power in a way that elicits fear and raises self-doubt. A trauma bond with a teacher is not unheard of – it is a sad phenomenon of a society that does not fully understand the severe implications of unhealthy psychological connection.

Why do people have to come to therapy to learn about healthy boundaries? Some people are fortunate enough to have parents who are stable, aware and resilient enough to teach them the right way to form relationships. But many are not and even with positive role models, trauma bonds can still be formed with others along the way.  Just as times tables are an essential part of school learning, so too should learning be present for all members of society on the importance of recognising that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to relate to one another.

Only through psychoeducation and the provision of relevant, age-appropriate learning can we begin to give people the tools they need to prevent these relationships from forming. Education, context, and awareness are tools that many therapists hold – sharing these with mainstream society to prevent the emergence of debilitating trauma bonds before they take hold, would be a gift worth giving.

It concerns me that one of the greatest barriers to seeding this information societally could be the reluctance of those outside the therapeutic world to either a). acknowledge the severity of the situation or b) be too fearful of the learning that they shy away from sharing this information. We must assume that people are ready to hear, that they want to listen. Change can be hard. Facing our demons can be hard, Even those brave enough to step into a therapeutic relationship often display many defences that can take a long time to break down. It can be very painful to acknowledge the recognition that arises from psychological material, instead it is easier to discredit. When we ask people outside the therapeutic space to share content about psychological issues, we don’t know what they are holding close to their chests, what kind of feelings they have, or how their past is still impacting their daily lives.

 But unless we start educating somewhere these bonds continue to go unrecognised.

So how do we share information in a way that is non-threatening to those tasked with teaching it. We do not expect everyone to be an expert on the intricacies of human relationships, but simple steps can be taught.

Raising awareness – what should you expect from a healthy relationship.

Recognising uncomfortable feelings – when to start questioning.

Addressing concerns – signposting help

Modelling healthy relationships – educating those in positions of power

These are simple, acceptable questions and steps that are manageable for large chunks of society. We have to take into account cultural differences, we have to protect our children from being exposed to content that is too overwhelming for them to process, but we have a responsibility to give them the tools and understanding to question unhealthy relationships from an early age.

Undoubtedly, society is asking people to think more about the importance of how they feel in relationships and to speak up if they don’t feel safe. Perhaps in time we can go one step further and share more specific psychological phrases. Wouldn’t it be great if children were safely taught that, in the same way a cigarette causes physical addiction, dependency and illness, a traumatic bond formed with another person has just as much potential to do the same, if not greater, damage.

If you are suffering from trauma and would like to learn more about treatment with me, please contact me at luscombejulie6@gmail.com to make an initial appointment.

For further reading on this topic, please visit the following websites.

References

Hope Therapy and Counselling Services (2022) Trauma bonds, what they are and how to escape them, https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/trauma-bonds-what-they-are-and-how-to-escape-them 

(Accessed 9th March 2024)

Laub.E (2022) The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding

(Accessed 11th March 2024)